Effects of Fighting in Front of Kids

How fighting in front of your kids can negatively impact their mental and physical well-being.

• 4 min read
• child development

Every relationship is bound to experience some form of conflict to a degree. For co-parents, fighting and arguing with each other can range from an occasional issue to an everyday experience. While these conflicts take a noticeable toll on the parents involved, the effects of fighting in front of their kids may be less noticeable but just as harmful. Learn how fighting affects the body, physically and mentally, for high conflict co-parents and kids who witness their fights.

How does fighting affect people?

When you fight with someone, it takes a physical toll on your body, regardless of whether it’s an actual physical fight. This effect is the well-documented, scientifically proven fight-or-flight response that we all have as humans. Your body goes through physiological changes, from your adrenal glands to your nervous system, to prepare you to respond to whatever you perceive as a threat.

These are some other common effects of the fight-or-flight response that impact your body:

• Your rate of breathing increases to help you take in more oxygen, which can lead to feelings of choking, smothering, and pains or tightness in the chest.
• The blood supply to your skin may temporarily decrease due to the increased flow to your organs and muscles, which can lead to paleness or altering between being pale and flushed.
• Your pupils may dilate to improve your vision and awareness of your surroundings.
• Your digestive system activity decreases, which can lead to dry mouth, nausea, and diarrhea.
• Your large muscle groups tense up, potentially causing you to tremble or shake, experience aches and pains, or feel exhaustion hours after a fight.

How does fighting affect children?

If you fight with your co-parent, spouse, or significant other in front of your children, your actions inevitably affect their mental and physical state as well. Even if they’re not involved, children who witness conflict are also subjected to the effects of fight-or-flight responses. If your kids are repeatedly exposed to parenting conflicts, they may experience additional issues that can have long-lasting impacts.

These are some of the more common developmental effects:

• Increased stress hormone levels from their own fight-or-flight response can stay in children’s bodies for hours and cause disruptions to their sleep patterns, anxiety levels, and behavior.
• Disrupted fluid intelligence can impact children’s abilities to process information, pay attention, and solve problems.
• Impacted emotional processing capabilities may lead to problems with social relationships and self-regulation later in life.
• Continued exposure can lead to increased internalizing issues in addition to mental illness, substance abuse, or an eating disorder.

When does fighting become high conflict co-parenting?

While it’s inevitable for conflict to occur, not all fighting is the same. If you frequently combat harassment and abuse from your ex, you’re likely in a high conflict co-parenting situation. Recurring or long-lasting fights can trigger prolonged fight-or-flight responses for you and your kids, which can increase the likelihood of long-term damaging physical and mental impacts.

Your co-parenting may be high conflict if you frequently:

• Have heated or hostile disagreements
• Exchange verbal insults and raised voices
• Ignore each other’s co-parenting boundaries
• Engage in physically aggressive fighting
• Use or experience non-responsive or counter parenting

How can I protect my kids from co-parenting conflict?

When possible, you and your co-parent should strive to model effective problem-solving strategies for your children. It’s best for everyone involved if you and your co-parent can have disagreements where you show respect and support for each other. Having constructive conflicts in front of them helps to teach them better social skills like cooperation and empathy.

While constructive disagreements are ideal, they’re not always possible due to various reasons. If fights with your ex continue or worsen, your priority should be to protect yourself and your kids however possible. Here are some actionable steps you can take to protect your mental health and shield your children from the impacts of high conflict co-parenting.

Reset unhealthy boundaries

You and your co-parent should establish ground rules for future disagreements and reset unhealthy co-parenting boundaries. Creating healthier expectations for how you communicate about anything related to your children is an essential first step. Once you and your ex take time to create a more level playing field, you give yourselves and your kids a better chance at experiencing fewer, less severe conflicts.

Here are some examples of basic rules you may want to follow:

• Do not fight in front of or around your kids
• Do not bring up conflicted topics while the kids are around
• Pause to ground yourselves if discussions begin to get heated
• Take turns to talk and validate each other’s feelings and perspective
• Be respectful and courteous while avoiding name-calling
• Brainstorm solutions to your disagreements together

Support your kids’ mental health

While it’s essential to work with your co-parent to improve your situation, the most vital part is consistently supporting your kids’ emotions along the way. Whether they witness you and their other parent fighting or have a tough day at school, your kids need your help in learning how to manage their stress. Doing what you can to support your kids’ mental health helps protect them from the damaging effects of witnessing co-parenting conflicts.

Work with a neutral third-party

If you can’t have productive disagreements, it may be time to seek help from a professional. Learning strategies for high conflict conversations is crucial for the long-term health and well-being of co-parents and their kids. Working with a mediator, therapist, or divorce coach can give your dynamic the guidance it needs to heal from co-parenting conflicts and build trust and collaboration.

Consider legal protections

Working through conflict is a normal part of co-parenting, but there are situations where the nature of a fight crosses the line. If your ex behaves in a way that makes you fear for your safety or your kids’ well-being, you should consider pursuing a protective order. Whether you need an emergency protective order or a permanent restraining order, you can leverage court-enforceable protection to keep yourself and your kids safe.

TalkingParents can help with high conflict co-parenting

If you and your ex continuously struggle with avoiding conflict and protecting your kids from fights, one of the best high conflict co-parenting tips is to use a co-parenting communication service. TalkingParents offers several features to help you chat with your ex, coordinate important dates and details, and keep information about your kids organized. Using the app to communicate can help you protect your children from conflicts, and all other interactions are documented on an Unalterable Record for both parents to reference. Whether you’re working to improve your interactions or seek legal measures, our service is here to help you co-parent with more peace of mind.