How Can I Protect My Kids from Gaslighting?
How teaching self-trust can protect kids from a manipulative co-parent.
- 4 min read
- guest author
- child development
- health & wellness
As parents, we quickly learn that, no matter how much we want to, we are not able to control everything that our children are exposed to. Between school, social media, peers, and authority figures, kids will hear and see things their parents wish they didn’t.
This unavoidable aspect of outside influences drives the strong desire to protect our children. Even in the healthiest of family dynamics, accepting our inability to protect them at all times can feel extremely challenging.
For those parents who are attempting to co-parent with a narcissist or high conflict ex, this could feel downright debilitating—because you have an obligation to continuously expose your child to someone you know who gaslights, manipulates, and alienates.
When you’re forced to hand your child over to an emotionally abusive or high conflict ex, protecting your child is a unique challenge. Badmouthing your ex or “warning” your child about their other parent only adds to your child’s confusion. It can also backfire on you and cause you to look like you’re using parental alienation, which is harmful on its own and worse if you’re in the middle of a custody battle.
The good news is that there is a way to help protect kids caught in high conflict co-parenting dynamics—the answer lies in empowering your child to trust themselves. Self-trust is one of the strongest forms of protection a person can have, and you can teach your children how to develop and rely on it.
How can self-trust help protect my child?
Teaching your child to trust themselves will not only protect them when dealing with their narcissistic or high conflict parent in childhood—it will also add a strong protective layer that helps them throughout their adulthood. Here are 5 ways that self-trust will help to protect your child.
1. It helps protect them from being gaslighted or manipulated
In high conflict co-parenting, gaslighting is unfortunately a regular occurrence. Gaslighting is an attempt to make someone doubt their memories, feelings, or experiences. A child with self-trust is less likely to be manipulated or believe a false narrative. Self-trust is the kryptonite to gaslighting, as it helps a child to rely on their own experiences and feelings, instead of doubting themselves when someone tries to confuse their reality.
2. It empowers them to speak up when something feels wrong
Children who trust themselves are more likely to recognize concerning behavior and speak up whenever they feel uncomfortable. Learning to trust their gut feeling helps them not to normalize inappropriate behavior or emotional abuse. Instead, they can advocate for themselves when something feels off.
3. It teaches children that their feelings are valid
Narcissistic or high conflict parents often invalidate their children’s feelings, thoughts, and ideas. When self-trust is strong, the validation comes from within and isn’t as affected by outside factors. Children know that what they think and feel matters, even if their high conflict parent dismisses them.
4. It builds resilience and confidence
When children learn to trust their own thoughts and decisions, they are more resilient in the face of conflict and instability. Kids can develop a powerful sense of self, which will help them to stand strong in confusing situations with family members or friends. This self-confidence helps prevent them from feeling pulled apart or pressured to pick sides.
5. It promotes mental health
Emotional invalidation and gaslighting in childhood are strongly linked to anxiety and depression. When you trust yourself, you don’t rely on others to approve your feelings. This emotional independence, which sets the foundation for setting boundaries, will help your child in every aspect of their life.
How can I teach my child self-trust?
Self-trust can help children in high conflict co-parenting situations by supporting their emotional intelligence and boosting their resilience. But how do you talk to a young child about self-trust? How do you help a child learn how to recognize gaslighting and manipulation? How do you get children to begin to trust their gut when something feels wrong?
Those questions are exactly what inspired me to write “The Sky is Red,” a children’s book that helps kids recognize gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Using a gentle tale with a strong moral, this story teaches your child to trust their inner voice. This book is a great resource if you’re looking for ways to start this important conversation and protect your kids from gaslighting in an age-appropriate, easily understood way.
Additional ways you can help strengthen your child’s sense of self-trust can include:
- Validating their experience: Resist the urge to correct or defend your kids when they share how they are feeling. Let them know that their feelings are okay.
- Letting them make safe, age-appropriate decisions: Enable your child to make choices, which helps them feel capable and heard while encouraging critical thinking.
- Reflecting their inner strength back to them: Point out moments when your child listened to their gut, even if it was something small, to affirm when they use self-trust.
- Modeling self-trust yourself: Avoid speaking negatively about yourself or your choices, as your child may lose their own self-trust and internalize the idea that self-doubt is normal.
- Minimizing conflict with your co-parent: Fighting in front of your kids can make them question their emotional safety and learn unhealthy boundaries. Use an app like TalkingParents to reduce conflict, avoid miscommunication or emotional outbursts, and promote a more stable environment for your children.
You and your kids deserve to feel empowered
There are a lot of new challenges and dynamics for parents and their children to navigate when caught in a high conflict co-parenting dynamic. By teaching and encouraging your child to trust themselves, you’re giving them the life skills needed to build emotional resilience, the strength to recognize and resist gaslighting, and the power of knowing their voice matters.