Helping Your Child Cope with Bad-Mouthing
8 tips to help your kids cope with their other parent’s bad-mouthing.
- 6 min read
- child development
- guest author
- health & wellness
Mark has been making derogatory remarks about his co-parent, Jennifer, in front of their six-year-old son, Jeremy. He often says Jennifer is irresponsible, criticizes her intelligence, and complains about paying for things. Jeremy recently told his mom, "Dad says he pays for everything." Because of the situation, Jeremy has started to withdraw when he's at his dad's house, has become more defiant with his mother, and gets fussy and moody on transition days. His teachers report he has started to become more disruptive at school.
What is bad-mouthing?
Bad-mouthing refers to any negative or disparaging comment made about someone. It could be blame, criticism, lies, distortions of the truth, undermining, or name-calling. During a divorce, emotions can escalate, leading to situations where one or both parents bad-mouth each other. This can be done intentionally to influence the child's relationship with the other parent, hurt the other parent by manipulating the child, or get their own way.
It can also occur unintentionally when a parent doesn't know the child is within earshot. A child can experience their parent being bad-mouthed by extended family members or friends, read negative posts on social media, or notice nonverbal or indirect cues like eye rolls, mutterings, or passive-aggressive comments like, "If it weren't for me, you'd have no clothes on your back."
How does bad-mouthing affect children?
Children love both of their parents and feel that each is a part of them. When a parent says something negative about the other parent, the child often internalizes it and thinks, "I love Dad, and Mom is saying all these horrible things about him… does that mean I'm also bad?" Bad-mouthing can also harm the attachment relationship with either parent, which can damage the child's emotional development and contribute to parental alienation and relationship issues in their adult lives.
Regardless of whether your child hears negative talk about one of their parents directly or indirectly, it's always harmful and can negatively affect their overall well-being. It puts them in the middle of your conflict and can cause them to start blaming themselves for the divorce. It also can contribute to issues like:
- Heightened stress
- Excessive shame
- Low self-esteem
- Lack of confidence
- Behavioral issues
- Long-term trauma
- Anxiety and depression
8 tips to help your child cope with bad-mouthing
What can you do when your co-parent bad-mouths you to your child? You can't control what your co-parent says, but you can control what you do and say to your child to reduce harm and confusion and keep them out of the middle. The following 8 tips will help you do this so you can foster a safe and secure relationship with your child.
1. Stay calm and neutral
Nothing is more frustrating and gut-wrenching than your child coming home after being with their other parent and reporting they heard you being bad-mouthed by your co-parent or your child's grandparent. Becoming angry or defensive will only increase the harm, so take a breath, slow down, and calm your nervous system to stay present with your kid. Create a mantra or affirmation like, "This isn't about me; I need to stay calm for my kiddo," to remind yourself that your child needs you to remain neutral so they can feel safe with you.
2. Provide reassurance
You may be tempted to immediately defend yourself when you've been bad-mouthed. However, saying, "That's not true!" puts more energy and emphasis on the negative words. It puts your child in the center of your conflict, making it seem like you're fighting with your co-parent through them. They may feel pressured to take sides or even try to fix it. Instead, provide clear reassurance of the truth without defending yourself. For example, when Jeremy says, "Dad says he pays for everything," Jennifer could respond with, "Both Dad and I pay for things, and we talk about how to best support you. I'm sorry you had to hear that because that's a topic between adults and nothing for you to worry about."
3. Focus on your child's emotions
Your kid is probably sharing the bad-mouthing they heard because it was distressing and confusing for them. What they need is to feel heard and understood. Focus on validating their feelings and experiences by saying, "I'm sorry your other parent said that to you. That must feel confusing and bad." Show genuine interest in their feelings by asking questions like, "How did it make you feel when they said that?" This helps them understand they can trust you and that you will handle their feelings and experiences without making it about you or their other parent.
4. Clarify values
Bad-mouthing creates an opportunity to have value-based conversations about different perspectives and to clarify your truth. Avoid judgment or attempts to prove yourself. Jennifer and Jeremy's conversation might go like this:
Jennifer: "I get how hearing that felt confusing. Let's talk about this. What does 'paying for things' mean?"
Jeremy: "It means buying stuff."
Jennifer: "Okay, sure. So, do you have food, toys, clothing, and anything you need or want at both homes? Do you have and do different things at each home?"
If your child points to different things at their two homes, you can direct the conversation toward common values. For example, "Your other parent and I work and make money to support our lives and yours. We love you and want to care for you in the best way possible."
5. Be a role model
Demonstrate respect and kindness toward your co-parent even if they disrespect you. Being a role model by never bad-mouthing your co-parent teaches your kid how to communicate respectfully. If you do mess up and say something you don't intend to say, then own up to it and apologize. This teaches your kid to be accountable and respectfully handle disagreements and conflict instead of placing blame or throwing the other person under the bus. It's also essential to building safety and security with your child.
6. Teach them boundaries
Use an instance of bad-mouthing as an opportunity to teach your kid healthy boundaries. Explain that they can hold feelings and thoughts different from someone else's, even their parents. You can also tell them it's not their job to take care of either parent’s feelings or issues; it's your job to take care of theirs. For example, they can set boundaries by saying:
"This is adult stuff. I'm not interested in being part of this conversation."
"Please talk to Mom/Dad directly."
"I don't think you need to talk to me about this."
If your child doesn't feel comfortable saying phrases like this to their parent, they can say them quietly to themselves or in their head. They can stay connected to their feelings by reminding themselves using statements like, "This makes me feel sad or uncomfortable, but it's not about me." You can also teach them by asking if they've heard a friend bad-mouthing someone as an example. Say, "It's okay to have different feelings and opinions. I get it - it can be confusing and may feel like a lot of pressure because you want to be friends with both of them. And you can be."
7. Talk to your co-parent if you can
Ideally, you should discuss bad-mouthing issues with your co-parent directly to try and find a solution. It can be done in writing or in a setting facilitated by a mediator, divorce coach, therapist, or other neutral third party present. Discuss ways to improve lines of communication between you so your co-parent doesn't speak inappropriately to your kid and cause excessive stress. If your co-parenting is affected by harassment or non-responsiveness, communication may not be as easy or feasible, so do what you can based on your circumstances.
8. Document! Document!
Not only does bad-mouthing not reflect well on that parent, but it can also influence custody decisions as it directly affects the emotional safety and well-being of the child. Depending on its severity, it may be considered emotional abuse. Speak to a local family law attorney about how to legally document and address the issue so you can support and protect your child. Using a co-parenting communication service like TalkingParents can help you document any concerning written and verbal conversations with your co-parent in a court-admissible Unalterable Record.
The more you can shield your kid from co-parenting conflicts, the more trust and safety they will feel with you, and the more they will continue to go to you for help processing their feelings and thoughts. Generally, kids aren't interested in who is right or wrong. They just need help reducing the negative emotions they experience when hearing something negative about one of their parents. When that's no longer an issue, they can get back to their job of growing, playing, and learning.