Splitting Custody Over the Holidays
Tips for creating a co-parenting holiday schedule that works for everyone.
Happy holidays and special occasions can quickly become less merry and bright for you and your children if you and your ex haven’t agreed to a holiday custody schedule. Deciding how to divide special days, breaks from school, and meaningful family events is an essential part of navigating the holidays for co-parents—and it’s something that’s a lot easier to achieve if you plan ahead.
Whether your family celebrates traditional holidays, enjoys cultural events, or values certain days throughout the year, creating a thoughtful custody schedule can make co-parenting over the holidays easier for everyone. Keep reading to explore how co-parents commonly split holidays and learn our practical tips for managing changes throughout the planning process.
What are some standard custody schedules for holidays?
When preparing for a discussion on organizing holidays in a custody schedule, starting from square one can be daunting. Instead, it may be helpful for you to consider referencing popular arrangements that are frequently used by other co-parents. With a reference guide on hand, planning for every holiday throughout the year can be easier than doing so while starting from scratch.
These are some of the more common co-parenting holiday schedule models:
- Alternated: In even-numbered years, one parent has the kids for a specific set of holidays, and the other parent has the kids during odd-numbered years.
- Split: If co-parents live close enough, they can split each holiday into two parts. Children would spend the morning with one parent and the evening with the other.
- Fixed: If one co-parent values Thanksgiving more while the other co-parent values the Fourth of July, they may agree that each parent celebrates their preferred holidays with the kids every year.
- Regular: If neither co-parent has strong preferences over specific holidays, they can stick to their regular custody schedule and leave room for exceptions as needed.
What holidays should I include in our schedule?
You and your kids have many important days outside of recognized or religious holidays, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. Additionally, your state may require that certain holidays for co-parents be set as parent-time holidays within your parenting plan. It’s essential to review your agreement before checking your calendar to notate days that may fall outside your normal schedule.
When you make your holiday custody schedule, consider all days that are important to your family, including:
- Each child’s birthday
- Each parent’s birthday
- Extended family birthdays and reunions
- Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
- Religious holidays
- Cultural observances
- School breaks and teacher planning days
- Special anniversaries
- Milestone events like graduations
What does a holiday custody schedule look like?
Here’s a practical example of what a holiday custody schedule would cover:
| Holiday | Odd Year | Even Year |
| Martin Luther King Jr. Day | A | B |
| President’s Day | B | A |
| Spring Break | A | B |
| Easter | B | A |
| Mother’s Day | A | A |
| Memorial Day | A | B |
| Summer Break | Split or alternate | Split or alternate |
| Father’s Day | B | B |
| Fourth of July | B | A |
| Labor Day | A | B |
| Halloween | B | A |
| Thanksgiving | A | B |
| Winter Break | Split or alternate | Split or alternate |
| Christmas Eve/Day | B | A |
| Mother’s Birthday | A | A |
| Father’s Birthday | B | B |
| Child’s Birthday | Split or alternate | Split or alternate |
Does a holiday schedule override the regular custody arrangement?
Depending on your state, your holiday schedule may take precedence over your regular custody arrangement. Let’s say it’s your weekend to have the kids, but the Christmas holiday falls on that weekend, and it’s your ex’s year to have the kids for Christmas. The holiday custody schedule overrides your regular custody schedule, so your ex will get the kids for that weekend instead.
8 tips for creating and navigating a holiday schedule
Holidays can quickly become stressful without a clear plan in place. Whether you’re creating a new holiday schedule or revisiting the one in your existing parenting plan, approaching the process thoughtfully can help reduce conflict and keep the focus on what matters most—your children’s well-being. Here are 8 helpful strategies to create and adjust a holiday custody arrangement that’s clear and flexible for everyone.
1. Start the conversation early
While you can’t get ahead of every holiday based on when you start, try to begin discussing holiday plans well before the season arrives. Early communication gives you and your co-parent time to consider your preferences, clarify expectations, and avoid last-minute pressure that can lead to conflict. These conversations may already be more tense due to their emotional nature, so give everyone time to reflect.
2. Come prepared with suggestions
Before meeting with your co-parent, take time to review your regular custody schedule and any holidays or school breaks that may conflict with it. Bring a few options to the table that you think would work well for your situation and your children’s ages. By taking the time to present ideas and options to your ex, the conversation can start with structure rather than stress and run more smoothly.
3. Focus on the details
Delegating holidays is simple on paper, but it can quickly get complicated if the day arrives and you and your ex need to swap custody outside of your usual schedule and location. Going through the logistics of each holiday can save everyone time and stress in the long run. Iron out details like pick-up and drop-off times, exchange locations, and long-distance travel plans if you and your ex live far apart.
4. Don’t make your kids decide
Holiday schedule negotiations are not the time to tell your children that they need to choose between spending time with you and their other parent for each event. Although it may seem like an easier approach, asking your kids about their preferences can make them feel significantly pressured. Most of the time, it’s best to avoid involving your children in negotiations or decisions between you and your ex.
5. Document everything in writing
Your custody agreement may be missing a holiday schedule or have an outdated one, so you’ll need to document the updated version for personal and legal purposes. Once you have finalized your holiday custody schedule, write it all down and modify your parenting plan to solidify the changes. Adding it to your personal notes and parenting plan can help you and your ex avoid misunderstandings.
6. Avoid unnecessary changes
Once you have a set holiday schedule, do your best to stick to it—even if it doesn’t turn out exactly as you wanted. Request changes to the plan only when necessary, and understand that your ex may not have to agree to your proposed changes depending on what’s in your parenting agreement. Unless you want to go to court for a full-scale overhaul, you won’t be able to force them to make the change you want.
7. Be reasonably flexible
On the flip side, if your ex requests a change to their portion of the holiday schedule, don’t immediately say “no” out of spite. You never know when you may need to make a similar request. Whether relatives drop in unannounced or work schedules change on short notice, life can happen unexpectedly. Communication and respect can make splitting custody over the holidays much easier for everyone involved.
8. Try to focus on the positives
Coping with split custody on special days can be difficult, especially if it’s your first holiday as a co-parent. Remember that your children have two loving parents who each want to spend time with them, and your kids want to spend time with both of you. Enjoy your time when you’re together, and don’t pressure your kids or make them feel guilty when you’re apart. Instead, try focusing on self-care efforts that can help you and your family members navigate the holidays.
TalkingParents can help through the holidays and beyond
Co-parenting during the holidays can be emotionally charged, especially when traditions, travel, and family expectations collide. Instead of scrambling to figure out your plans a few days in advance, put in the effort to ensure you and your ex can focus on your child’s experience. By focusing on being prepared, transparent, and understanding, you can work together to make each holiday joyful and predictable for your kids.
TalkingParents makes it easier for you and your ex to keep co-parenting conversations and schedules organized and documented throughout the year, not just the holidays. Our features ensure that everyone has access to the same information, including updates to events and read receipts for messages, which can help reduce misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict. With the emotional load off your shoulders and communication streamlined, you can focus more on making each holiday special for your children.