What is Birdnesting?
How birdnesting works and 5 tips to help make it easier for co-parents and kids.
Going through a separation or divorce is often challenging. For parents, separating and then switching to co-parenting is even more complicated because their children are directly affected. Kids used to having both parents under one roof have their routines upended as they begin to follow a custody schedule and spend time in alternating homes.
While most parents transition to shared custody somewhat abruptly, some choose a more uncommon alternative that takes a gradual approach. This method is physically, emotionally, and often financially demanding for parents, but it can give their children more time to adjust. Learn about birdnesting, what it requires from parents, and how it can benefit kids.
How does birdnesting work?
Similar to the habits of birds taking care of their babies, birdnesting is when children live in one home while their parents alternate staying with them. Instead of moving between houses in a traditional shared custody situation, kids have a consistent home to live in to help mitigate transitions immediately following a divorce or separation. Based on the terms of their custody agreement, each co-parent stays with their children during their scheduled parenting time.
There are several variations in how parents choose to birdnest while co-parenting. In more amicable cases, one parent may move into a guest bedroom while they birdnest with their co-parent. More commonly, co-parents split a shared apartment or live with their relatives while not with their children. In any case, many co-parents who birdnest do it as a temporary step before ultimately transitioning to separate homes.
What are the benefits of birdnesting?
Kids commonly experience heightened stress levels when their parents go through a separation or divorce. Depending on their ages and developmental stages, children often struggle to understand the situation and sometimes believe they caused the split. On top of the emotional toll, adjusting to their new norms while coping with interrupted routines can be an overwhelming experience.
When done correctly, birdnesting can help co-parents shield their children from excessive stress or trauma that can lead to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). By adjusting their own routines, co-parents can preserve their children's sense of security and trust while preventing additional negative factors from affecting them. Even though birdnesting is usually temporary, it can help parents guide their children through the change and provide better divorce recovery support.
In addition to making the experience easier for kids, birdnesting can help parents as they learn how to co-parent and move forward. Learning the ropes of shared parenting can be difficult, let alone figuring out where to live next and deciding whether to sell their shared home. Choosing to birdnest can give parents much-needed time to make and ease into major decisions while better sharing their responsibilities.
Is birdnesting difficult?
While birdnesting can help families transition to shared parenting, it has plenty of drawbacks that parents must consider. A BBC article on birdnesting interviewed Dr. Ann Buscho, a licensed psychologist who wrote "The Parent's Guide to Birdnesting" after researching and personally trying the birdnest approach. Dr. Buscho's research found that some children experienced stress related to their confusion about whether their parents were separating or reconciling.
Additionally, birdnesting is far from a one-size-fits-all solution for separating or divorcing parents. Co-parents with a high-conflict dynamic will unlikely benefit from birdnesting. Finding a place to live while not home with their children can also be financially demanding. The experience can be a significant source of co-parenting anxiety, especially for those who live in separate bedrooms instead of different homes. If co-parents aren't financially and emotionally prepared, birdnesting can do more harm than good for them and their children.
5 tips to help make birdnesting easier
Birdnesting can help you and your kids transition to your new normal after separation or divorce. If you and your co-parent are willing to birdnest, a well-planned approach can make the experience more effective and less stressful. Here are 5 tips to help you, your co-parent, and your kids have a more productive birdnesting experience.
1. Set and follow clear rules
Setting and following a detailed structure isn't just beneficial for parenting plans. When planning to birdnest, you and your co-parent should set clear guidelines for how to get through each day. Most of them will likely relate to whether and how you'll interact with each other, as spending time with your kids during your parenting time should be as usual.
Some helpful rules you and your co-parent can set may pertain to:
- Whether you'll both stay in the home
- How you'll handle transition days
- What you can and can't discuss
- Who's responsible for bills and costs
- How long birdnesting will last
2. Treat it like a transition
While some parents choose to birdnest for long periods, it's more effective as a temporary fix. Setting a specific timeline for moving into separate homes and fully co-parenting with joint custody can help you approach it as a transitional period. Doing so can also help you manage major financial tasks and legal processes in phases instead of all at once. With an end date in mind, you can get through your day-to-day with your kids, knowing that any discomfort and tension from birdnesting are temporary.
3. Be transparent with your kids
One of the biggest pitfalls of birdnesting is that your kids can be confused about whether you and your ex are splitting up. It's vital to tell them about the divorce or separation and openly communicate that birdnesting will eventually turn into some form of custody schedule. Be transparent in that you and their other parent are temporarily birdnesting to make the transition easier for the whole family. Your kids will likely have questions about the situation, so anticipate them and prepare answers based on their ages and developmental stages.
4. Practice self-care
While traditional co-parenting has stressful moments, birdnesting can make them more frequent and intense. The goal of birdnesting is to reduce stress for kids, but it often comes at the cost of their parents' mental health. Whether you're staying in the same home or living elsewhere during your ex's parenting time, the increased contact with your kids' other parent in close quarters can contribute to parental burnout. No matter what you choose to do, follow different self-care tips to help protect your mental health.
Self-care activities that can help you process co-parenting stress can include:
- Journaling
- Staying hydrated
- Going to therapy
- Exercising
- Making time for yourself
- Saying affirmations
- Getting enough rest
- Using grounding techniques
5. Use a co-parenting app
Shared parenting requires co-parents to keep different plates spinning at once, and birdnesting can make it more challenging even with a gradual transition. The best way to keep track of your schedules, communication, and more is by using a co-parenting app like TalkingParents. Our all-in-one service gives you and your co-parent the tools to manage every aspect of your co-parenting situation. By streamlining your co-parenting while birdnesting, TalkingParents can help you and your ex prepare for shared custody's everyday routines and major commitments.
Birdnesting is a complex arrangement with unique challenges for co-parents and their kids. When done effectively in the right circumstances, it can help make a family's transition from one to two homes more comfortable. Whether you're interested in how it may work or starting to birdnest, it's vital to remember that you're focusing on protecting your children's well-being and steadily building a foundation for co-parenting.