How to Set Co-Parenting Boundaries

Tips for setting boundaries with your co-parent.

• 4 min read
• custody
• health & wellness

Setting co-parenting boundaries is an essential part of building more stable, healthy environments for parents and children after a separation or divorce. When implemented and followed, boundaries can help set clear expectations and even reduce conflict. Learn what they are, how you can use them in different aspects of your life, and how to set boundaries with your co-parent.

What are boundaries?

PsychCentral defines boundaries as the lines you draw for yourself, whether it's how you act or are treated, based on your comfort level with others. These limits can be applied varyingly to different groups of people, such as your friends, family members, or coworkers. While it's helpful to share with the people they apply to, boundaries can still be effective as internal reminders.

What are the main types of boundaries?

Therapist Aid provides an info sheet on boundaries that describes the six main types of personal boundaries you probably set in your mind. The type you can most likely relate to is physical, as they're commonly taught to children in their early years. Kids learn to recognize what physical contact is acceptable or inappropriate as boundaries that keep them safe.

Boundaries are equally as important for adults. They keep you safe by distancing yourself from actions, words, and mentalities that could cause you physical or mental harm. In a co-parenting relationship, healthy boundaries can help you and your ex avoid excessive feelings of anger, resentment, or bitterness toward each other by limiting how you interact.

Here's a quick summary of the six main types of boundaries:

1. Physical—How you handle contact and personal space
2. Intellectual—How you express and explore your thoughts
3. Emotional—How you share and guard your feelings
4. Sexual—How you express your sexuality
5. Material—How you manage your possessions
6. Time—How you use and structure your time

How do I identify my boundaries?

If you feel disrespected, offended, or uncomfortable with another person's actions or words, it's a good indicator that a boundary was crossed for you. However, boundaries are often tricky because limits differ by person, and what upsets one person may be okay with another. No one can fully understand your boundaries unless you communicate them, and you still can't control whether others will respect them.

You can identify boundaries with your ex by considering what they say or do that upsets you in the context of your shared custody situation. Doing so is a great way to recognize and reset unhealthy co-parenting boundaries that you may have previously ignored. Ultimately, open communication is a vital part of ensuring you and your co-parent know and stick to acceptable behaviors with each other and your children.

How can I set boundaries with my co-parent?

Shared parenting involves a lot of trial and error, and setting boundaries is no different. From creating a parenting plan that works best for your kids to finding the best way to communicate with your ex, you need to balance protecting your mental health and prioritizing your children's best interests. Be flexible when setting boundaries with your co-parent to keep these priorities in mind and build a healthier situation for your kids.

Here are some approaches and tips from PsychCentral to help you set and maintain effective boundaries:

1. Think of your reasons—Consider why specific boundaries are important to you and how they will benefit you and your kids to ensure they're worth pursuing.
2. Start with a few—Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, so start small until they become a familiar part of your co-parenting relationship and everyday life
3. Set them sooner, not later—If you can, create boundaries toward the start of your co-parenting journey; if not, take time to identify and reset unhealthy ones.
4. Be consistent—Just as kids benefit from consistent co-parenting, your boundaries can be more effective if you apply them evenly and avoid letting them slide.
5. Make time for yourself—Try new activities, revisit old hobbies, or do something else that can help you enjoy and appreciate alone time while your kids are gone.
6. Address overstepped lines—Boundaries are unknown to your ex unless you communicate them, so share your concerns about crossed boundaries when it's safe to do so.
7. Don't let boundaries control you—Overthinking your boundaries can make them too restrictive instead of protective, so consider their purpose and the context in which they're used.

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries you can use in your co-parenting situation:

• Keep communications focused only on your children and avoid sharing unnecessary details.
• Never bad-mouth your co-parent to your kids or with others in places where your kids can hear you.
• Separate your feelings toward your co-parent from your relationship with your children.
• Don't involve your kids in co-parenting discussions with your ex, especially if you're in a high conflict situation.
• Avoid posting excessively on social media or following your co-parent to see what they're doing.
• Never ask your kids to keep secrets, act as a messenger, or give you information about your co-parent.
• Don't interfere with your ex's parenting time or do anything that could constitute custodial interference.

What if boundaries aren't enough?

If you and your co-parent continue to deal with high conflict situations despite your boundaries, talk to your local clerk of court's office for recommendations on bringing in a neutral third party that can help you resolve conflicts. They can recommend resources such as a family law attorney, mediator, parenting coordinator, or even a co-parenting class that may help you and your ex find common ground.

Build better boundaries with TalkingParents

If your co-parent crosses boundaries related to your actions, emotions, and time, consider using a service like TalkingParents to assist with communication. Our features can help streamline your co-parenting situation by keeping your interactions organized and documented. With everything managed in a single service, you can compartmentalize your shared parenting situation and control when and how you engage. Click here to learn how you can get started today.