Navigating High Conflict Co-Parenting Conversations
Questions co-parents can ask themselves to create an effective strategy for high conflict interactions.
- 4 min read
- custody
- guest author
- health & wellness
Co-parenting conversations can be straightforward at times, but they often have emotional potholes, roadblocks, detours, and collisions. Even one unwelcome distraction or slight diversion can derail the entire interaction, leaving both parents frustrated with each other and unsure of how to move forward. Despite these potential perils, there are techniques for successfully navigating high conflict co-parenting conversations and reaching more favorable outcomes.
How do I create an effective communication strategy?
Achieving outcomes that benefit you and your children in these conversations requires strategic effort before, during, and after each interaction. With the right preparation and follow-up methods, you can elevate the awareness you gain from having discussions with your co-parent, even if they use instigating tactics. Considering these three questions before approaching your co-parent can help you better plan how to steer conversations toward resolutions.
1. What are your goals?
The first step is defining what success looks like for your situation. Short-term success in tense conversations may include staying calm, overcoming triggers, or staying focused enough to communicate the necessary message. Mid-term victories can be agreeing with your co-parent, even if you oppose their reasoning. Additionally, getting a partial agreement, excuse, or lie that serves as potential evidence can be somewhat of a win. Long-term triumphs can include completing the duration of a court-ordered relationship, keeping extended family ties in place, and creating the best possible outcome for your children.
2. Who do you need to achieve them with?
Once you've established your goals and definitions of success, consider who you want or need to work with to achieve them. Start with your co-parent and recognize any relevant personality traits and behavioral characteristics that may influence their openness to collaboration. Then, move on to your children, additional family members, and individuals who may influence your co-parent. Supervisory third parties like family law attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, and other legal or mental health professionals can be helpful in some situations. Take the time to consider how they may be leveraged differently on a case-by-case basis.
3. What is the context of the situation?
The context of each unique situation often drives individual decisions and actions. Context includes many influencing factors like financial, employment, and relationship status. It can also include a co-parent's physical and mental health, sobriety, criminal record, and social influences. Even the time, day, location, and presence of other parties can significantly impact the tone and course of a conversation. Adjust your approach to give you the best chance to achieve your preferred outcome within the circumstances.
These first three questions provide the basis for your approach. This strategy may cover one conversation or encompass a series of discussions over an extended period. With the foundation in place, you can dive deeper into your co-parent's mindset and perspective to identify and leverage potential advantages for high conflict conversations.
How can I prepare for combative discussions?
Traditionally, we've all been taught to consider why our argument is strong, why others should agree to what we want, and how we should feel when communicating our message. Despite popular belief, this approach often creates more conflict because we focus on our needs and perceptions while ignoring and devaluing our co-parents' needs and perspectives. This misguided perception can be quickly turned around by answering three questions that help us recognize our potential biases.
1. Why wouldn't your co-parent do what you want them to?
The best way to prepare for any contentious conversation is to consider valid reasons or explanations why your co-parent wouldn't want to align with you. Whatever you think of will likely be your co-parent's perspective, so embrace it. Think through all the reasons you can come up with that your co-parent will resist your ideas, and write them down to keep them in mind when discussing.
2. What’s stopping your co-parent from agreeing with you?
Next, consider why your co-parent still hasn't done what you want or need them to. Is it because they haven't been asked? Is it because they don't want to take the time, spend the money, admit to being wrong or feeling parental burnout, give you credit, or any other reason? Don't automatically assume it's because they don't want to do it. Dig deeper, and write these reasons down as well.
3. What does your co-parent need to align with your goals?
Now, consider your list and how to turn negatives into positives. Consider what missing piece may lead your co-parent to continue disagreeing with you. Then, design the conversations they need to experience before changing their mind. Determine the best available time, location, or communication mode for the conversation based on your preferred outcome. Choose the best participants if others need to be involved, and determine the most successful order to frame your statements and questions. Think through what your co-parent likely needs to feel and understand before they can agree to your request.
What should I expect going into a conversation?
With your plan in place, it's time to engage in conversation. While your plan will likely create strategic advantages and significantly improve your chances of achieving your preferred outcome, there will still be unanticipated obstacles and opportunities to gather more helpful information. Keep your eyes and ears open for both expected and unexpected reactions from your co-parent. If your plan works just as you designed it, stay with it. If you get an unforeseen reaction like harassment or non-responsiveness, remember your outcome and adjust your approach accordingly.
For example, when your co-parent says, "I can't do that," their thought process may be, "The reward I'll get for doing that is not worth the sacrifice I need to make to accommodate your request." Their perceived sacrifice might be physical effort, such as changing the parenting plan and giving up something they would rather be doing. It may be the mental effort they would need to commit. It could even be the emotional sacrifice of giving in, admitting fault, or ceding control to you. Avoid the temptation to debate or argue, and help them overcome their impression of making a significant sacrifice.
Every interaction represents another link in a series of interconnected chains. The end of one conversation functions as the start of the next, with the time between exchanges potentially extinguishing or adding fuel to the fire. When you are clear on the long-term outcomes you want for you and your children, you can use each interaction and break to steer the dynamic in a direction that eventually provides you the benefits you want and need.