Creating a Mindset to Handle High Conflict Co-Parenting Conversations
4 helpful ways to set a solutions-oriented mindset for high conflict discussions.
- 5 min read
- custody
- guest author
- health & wellness
Conflict in co-parenting conversations can reach levels unparalleled in other contexts. Despite the challenges and stress these conversations create, they are critical because they directly involve and impact children. The children are likely the only reason co-parents communicate, and despite how co-parents may feel about each other, their children should remain the priority in every situation.
Many of the forces impacting these conversations are inherently negative. Estranged relationships erase most opportunities for productive face-to-face discussions. Communicating through technology makes it easier for people to be more disrespectful to one another, and court-ordered interactions typically add deeper resentment to shared parenting relationships.
What factors can make co-parenting high conflict?
Looking beyond surface-level obstacles, we can easily find influential forces pulling at all sides of the relationship. Here are three of the most prominent factors that can affect a conflicted co-parenting dynamic.
1. Emotional traumas
We all carry what we believe to be our relevant life experiences into every interaction. These experiences aren't limited to the relationship between co-parents. Each co-parent is likely to carry experiences from previous relationships, going all the way back to their childhood, into their current co-parenting relationship. These experiences create frames of view used to interpret their co-parent's communication. Believe it or not, these altered perspectives can turn low or moderate conflict conversations into high conflict conversations because they become self-fulfilling prophecies.
2. Negative expectations
In many ways, our expectations determine the outcome of our conversations. We pay less attention to the other person's perspective, talk more to ourselves, and commit less effort when we expect any conversation to be a waste of time, unpleasant, or pointless. The same is true if we expect our co-parent to have nothing valuable to contribute, be disrespectful, or disagree with everything we say. This premise holds especially true when we are forced to speak with someone.
3. Win-lose mentalities
As relationships fall apart, it's natural for both people to start keeping score. They keep a mental record of any actual or perceived offense they've experienced and naturally look or opportunities to even the score in their mind. Their need to keep score and win causes them to sacrifice long-term strategic wins for immediate, short-lived emotional wins. Essentially, this forces them to prioritize maintaining the moral high ground and painting themselves as the "good parent" over securing small victories that could benefit their children.
How can I work to overcome these high conflict factors?
Often, the most successful way to conquer these three obstacles is to elevate your expectations and frame the conversation around your long-term goals.
Instead of having an internal monologue like...
- I always lose in these conversations.
- This is going to be a waste of my time.
- He is always so rude and disrespectful.
- She never loved us to begin with.
Make a deliberate effort to reframe your thoughts to...
- This is a chance to learn something valuable.
- Today, I will make sure my children get what they need.
- If I listen hard enough, I will find what he needs to hear.
- I'll set a better example for my child today.
Preparing ourselves differently before a conversation can result in us listening and speaking differently. Over time, this shift should reduce the conflict you experience and increase the benefits for your children. The foundation of a successful mindset is typically built on desired outcomes, the process we will follow to obtain them, and how we plan to handle any unexpected challenges we encounter during the conversation.
What are some helpful tips for navigating high conflict conversations?
In addition to evolving how we speak to ourselves prior to tense conversations, here are four techniques for elevating your mindset ahead of high conflict co-parenting discussions.
1. Play the long game
As hard as it may be, work to stay focused on who your children can become and what they can achieve. Every co-parenting interaction can be filled with emotional traps. These traps inevitably cause people to lose sight of what is truly important and focus on addressing the emotional discomfort they are feeling in the moment. When co-parents stay focused on creating the best future for their children, they are better equipped to avoid parental burnout and stay the course. Emotional flare-ups come and go while their focus remains steady. Playing the long game allows co-parents to create interim commitments, gather valuable intelligence over multiple conversations, and create opportunities to further their relationships with their children.
2. Accept the role your co-parent wants to play
First, it's important to reaffirm that no co-parent should ever think it's normal or acceptable for themselves or their children to be harassed or abused. Should any abuse occur, they should immediately move to protect themselves and their children by contacting the proper authorities, pursuing a protective order, and combating abusive interactions. With that being said, trying to change your co-parent will almost certainly be a frustrating and fruitless experience. Instead of arguing or attempting to convince them of the error of their approach, do your best to work with it.
Your co-parent may act like a bully, victim, apologist, peacemaker, rationalist, or moral beacon. Each approach offers new avenues for achieving the desired outcome immediately or eventually. Avoid the urge to ignore what your co-parent says or convince them of the error of their ways. Make the most of each opportunity by asking yourself, "How can I work with that?". Take advantage of who your co-parent wants to be in the conversation by aligning your approach with their current self-image and encouraging them to accept what you need from them.
3. Do your best to stay calm
Most parents likely try to stay calm until the emotional burdens of their co-parenting conversations make it feel impossible. While staying calm is never easy, a few mindset adjustments can add motivation and perspective. First, it can be much easier to keep calm when you remain focused on the long-term outcome that means the most to you, which will likely give your children the opportunity to make the most of the situation.
Second, remember that the most unsettling person often wants to avoid their own unsettled feelings. When your co-parent is working hard to get under your skin, that is likely because they don't have any other strategy. They may begin to calm down and reassess the situation once they see that their approach won't work. Staying calm when possible also helps to set the best example for your children and can place you in a favorable light should the court system get involved.
If all else fails, take a moment to focus on your breathing. Slowing your respiration rate can help reduce your heart rate and blood pressure. Using this method and other grounding techniques, you can make it much easier to think clearly, identify alternative angles, and choose the best responses during high conflict conversations.
4. Focus on solutions, not problems
Problems can feel magnetic because they draw our attention, energy, and emotion. The more we focus on and breathe life into these issues, the more impossible they seem. As our perceived concerns grow, they drive up our stress levels and trick us into believing that avoiding the problem is acceptable. Many times, the person who is most successful in high-conflict conversations is the one who can transition from problem identification to solution creation the quickest.
While it's far from easy, this transition can occur when you commit to trusting the process. Once you identify the problem, determine and prioritize your preferred outcome. As you prepare to discuss things with your co-parent, ask yourself how to resolve the issue and achieve the desired result. By remaining calm, outcome-driven, and solution-focused, you seize control of the conversation and help to reduce your co-parenting anxieties.
Life is a series of solvable problems, and we can focus on the issues or the solutions. High conflict co-parenting situations are riddled with hurtful histories, negative expectations, emotional ambushes, and clashing priorities. Developing a mindset that prioritizes positive outcomes can help you capitalize on how your co-parent presents themselves while staying calm and identifying solutions. With this approach, you can put yourself in a position to achieve the most important goal—creating the best possible future for your children.