How to Talk to Your Teen About Divorce

Tips for telling your teen about divorce and supporting their mental health.

• 3.5 min read
• divorce
• child development

It can be challenging to figure out how to talk to teens about divorce, and remarrying often brings similar discussions and the same negative emotions. Above all else, remind your teen that both you and your co-parent are here to provide them with unconditional love and support. Learn more about how to tell your teen, how they may react to the news, and ways to protect their well-being while affirming their emotions.

How should I talk to my teen about divorce?

Telling a child about divorce is a complicated process at any age. Because your teen likely has a better idea of the situation, they may have more advanced questions and stronger reactions to the news. The best thing you can do is be honest and transparent, but only share essential details of how the transition from one to two homes will work.

Here are some helpful recommendations for sharing the news with your teen:

• Decide what to say ahead of time—Whether you need to write out how you want to tell your teen or discuss it with your co-parent, plan to cover the main points that matter most.
• Tell your teen together—If possible, both you and your ex should be present to tell your teen about the divorce. Sharing these important updates together can help reassure your teen that both of you are still dedicated to supporting them.
• Share an estimated timeline—Your teen may worry about what the next few weeks and months will look like, so consider giving them a general idea of when and how quickly things will change.
• Avoid adults-only topics—While finances and other issues are necessary to discuss with your ex, don't involve your teen in those conversations to prevent them from worrying excessively.

How can I support my teen when talking with them?

Christine Hammond, a family counselor, explains that divorce is hard for children at any age. A common mistake that parents make with teens is that they turn to them for advice or tend to overshare details, involving them as a third party instead of their children. Doing so can lead to parentification or enmeshment, which can both cause additional harm.

Here are some of Hammond's top tips for sharing emotionally supportive reminders with your teen before and during divorce:

• None of this is your fault—Even if your teen developmentally understands that some events aren't about them, telling your teen in different ways that the divorce had nothing to do with them will help to reassure them over time.
• We both still love you—This statement can't be overused in the days, weeks, and months following the announcement of your divorce, especially if your teen internalizes their emotions or thinks your arguments are because you don't love them.
• Our marriage was not a mistake—Your teen may think anything related to the marriage is an issue if you call it a mistake, including themself, so frame the separation as a transition from the end of one chapter to the start of a new one.
• We won't put you in the middle—Fighting in front of kids can lead to harmful effects, so commit to your teen that they won't be placed in the middle of arguments or expected to act as a messenger between parents.
• You don't have to choose sides—As long as it's safe to do so, promise your teen that you and your ex won't bad-mouth each other or pressure them to choose a favorite parent during or after your divorce.
• We are here for you—Remind your teen that you and your co-parent are there to support and prioritize them, so they know you're both open for any current or future conversations or questions they might have.

If you're remarrying and want to share the news with your teen, consider offering similar reassurances in that discussion. Remarriage is a significant life change for everyone involved, and it can take some time for teens to adjust to the news and transition. No matter what, ensure your teen knows they are loved and supported by you and their other parent.

How could my teen react to the divorce?

According to the Child Mind Institute, kids of all ages have similar emotions and behaviors after learning about their parents' divorce. The adjustment period can vary in length, but you can expect your teen to either express their feelings or internalize them. In any case, you should prepare for them to have a strong reaction to the news.

The context of your previous situation can also affect their reaction, as your teen may seem relieved at the news because of the consistent conflict. If your separation is unexpected, it's more likely that your teen may feel and express negative emotions. Remember that your teen is processing the news, and it's okay for them to be upset to an extent.

You may need to consult with a therapist or mental health professional if your teen exhibits potentially concerning signs like:

• Getting angry or distressed more often
• Losing interest in their hobbies
• Refusing to follow family routines
• Having issues with school-related activities
• Avoiding contact with friends or relatives
• Developing sleeping or eating problems

TalkingParents can simplify co-parenting transitions

Even in the most amicable divorces, keeping communication clear and documented is vital to co-parenting a teen. Using TalkingParents for calls, payments, events, and more can simplify your interactions. Our all-in-one service streamlines shared parenting, giving you and your ex the space needed to prioritize your teen's best interests and keep them out of potential conflicts.