What Can I Do If My Child Plays Favorites?
10 tips for handling parental preference.
- 6 min read
- guest author
- health & wellness
- child development
Nine-year-old Sophia splits her time equally between her co-parents, Rachel and Ethan. At first, she adjusted well to the divorce and the new schedule. Lately, she now seems to favor her mom. Rachel’s partner, Hannah, recently moved in but works late and isn’t around often. Sophia and her mom enjoy activities such as baking, crafts, and watching movies together.
However, when it’s time to go to her dad’s, Sophia resists, saying she misses her mom and that it’s boring there. Ethan, who has been married to Mona for a year, tries to make their time fun with bike rides and ice cream, but Sophia seems disinterested and withdrawn. After returning from her week with her dad, Sophia tells her mom, “I don’t like being at dad’s. I miss you, and it’s boring there.”
Rachel feels sad but tries to support a positive relationship between Sophia and Ethan. When these co-parents discuss what might be happening, both say their daughter seems fine in both homes. The reality is that Rachel and Ethan may be dealing with Sophia’s parental preferences. Learn why your child may play favorites and how you and your co-parent can address it.
What can cause parental favoritism?
Emotional responses to divorce
Every child reacts to and recovers from their parents’ divorce or separation in different ways and on different timelines. They may show signs of distress as they encounter additional changes to their new routines. In Rachel and Ethan’s example, Sophia may feel less connected with her dad after he remarried.
Some children seek comfort or security from the co-parent they feel most connected to, while others may cling to the co-parent they worry most about losing. This reaction could look like favoritism, but it may actually reflect fear of abandonment. Alternatively, a child may stay close to one parent if their relationship involves enmeshment or parentification.
Conflict between co-parents
Observing fighting or other tensions between co-parents can cause a child to align with whichever one makes them feel safest. One co-parent may badmouth the other parent in an attempt to label themself as the “good guy” and secure a favored position with their child. These efforts can be highly harmful to the child and be considered manipulation.
Age and developmental stages
It’s common for children to go through developmental stages in which they favor one parent, even within one-home families. For example, a toddler may favor one parent over the other as they start to seek greater independence, while an older child might favor one parent based on their needs, commonalities, or shared interests.
Favoritism often occurs due to stressors or challenges at specific developmental milestones. For example, Sophia voiced a preference for her mom due to the connection she had with her as she entered puberty. In addition, her father engaged with her in activities she had outgrown and seemed to have less time for her after his new wife moved in.
Parenting styles and children’s preferences
Differences in parenting approaches may impact which co-parent a child prefers. A child is likely to favor whichever co-parent is more present and engaged with them, is more attuned to their emotional and physical needs, and promotes a secure attachment style. Children often struggle more with a co-parent who is authoritarian, neglectful, or angry.
A child may say they prefer their fun parent who lets them do anything they want. It’s normal for kids to want to get away with doing what they want, but they need consistency to feel secure, and they may feel stressed without that. Expressing their preference for one co-parent over the other could reflect a child’s need for more structured routines.
How does a child’s favoritism affect their parents?
If you’re the favored parent, you may feel some validation or relief from being favored, but you may also feel guilt or concern that your child is struggling. Worry may creep in about what might be happening at the other parent’s house, as well as some sadness or empathy for the parent who is being rejected. You may choose to say things that encourage your child’s willingness to go to the other parent’s home.
If you aren’t the favored parent, it can be frustrating. You may feel unsure about what, if anything, you did to cause a change in your bond. This situation can also cause anxiety about how you’re perceived, leading to feelings of parental guilt or inadequacy. You may feel rejected and seek validation from your child or others around you. Additionally, you might fear or assume that your co-parent is speaking negatively about you.
10 tips to help you address parental preference
It can be challenging to cope with your child playing favorites, especially if your ex is the preferred parent. Still, there are things you can do to help the situation and strengthen your relationship with your child. Here are 10 tips to help you address parental favoritism while supporting your child’s mental health.
1. Connect empathetically with your child
Instead of thinking about yourself or your co-parent, shift your mindset toward showing unconditional love and empathy for your child, regardless of what they say to you or how they behave. Express curiosity about your child’s needs, feelings, and experiences. Be open to hearing, reflecting, and validating their perspective while putting aside your own.
2. Provide emotional support
You can counter the emotional stress of a divorce, especially if it involves transitioning to a multi-parent family, by offering more emotional support, engagement, and comfort to your child. For example, you can carve out special alone time for you and your child so they feel prioritized and not replaced or forced to play second fiddle to your partner.
3. Engage with your child’s interests
As your child grows and develops, so do their interests and personality. Pay attention to and celebrate your child’s new interests. Have conversations with your child in which you express curiosity about who they are and what excites them. Follow up by engaging them around those subjects and activities. Delight in who they are.
4. Don’t encourage clinginess
Clinginess can be mistaken as a sign of favoritism when it’s more likely an indicator of anxiety or stress. You and your co-parent can adjust your schedules and behaviors to reduce your child’s likelihood of developing ongoing separation anxiety. For example, instead of saying, “I miss you,” say, “I love you and am excited to see you again in a few days.”
5. Normalize their emotions
Let your child know it’s okay to experience the range of emotions that come with recovering from divorce or missing their other parent. For example, if your child says, “I’m sad. I want mommy/daddy,” you can validate them by saying, “I understand. You love them and are thinking about them right now. Would you like to call and talk to them?“
6. Create consistency
Your child will experience inconsistencies between homes and may use them to pit the two of you against each other. Even if you and your co-parent use parallel parenting, you need to hold consistent boundaries in your own home. For example, if your child says, “You’re mean. I can watch more TV at dad’s house,” you can explain that each parent may have some different rules, but your child is equally loved in both homes.
7. Avoid pressuring your child
Don’t withdraw from your child, even if you feel rejected, or put your child on the spot by asking what they don’t like about you or their other parent. Doing so only further strains the relationship and causes guilt and stress for your child. Instead, listen to your child’s feelings and give them space to express their thoughts. It’s an opportunity to notice, listen, and learn what your child needs.
8. Foster relationships with both parents
Reassure your child that both you and their other parent love them. Explain that each parent shows love in different ways. Encourage them to let the other parent know what they want, like, or need. Unless there’s a history of domestic violence or abuse, support your child’s relationship with their other parent and ensure they spend quality time with both of you.
9. Work together as a team
Collaborate on parenting decisions so you and your co-parent support your child with a unified front. You can speak directly with your co-parent and share insights about your child. If either or both of you have concerns about your child’s ongoing distress or alarming statements, it may be best to consult a co-parenting therapist or a child therapist.
10. Never put your child in the middle
Be mindful of what you say to your child about their co-parent. Avoid using your child as a messenger or speaking negatively about their other parent in front of them. Don’t ever make your child feel they need to choose between you and their co-parent. Doing so can contribute to parental alienation or other issues that negatively affect your child.
Favored or not, parental preference isn’t easy
While a child’s favoritism is usually a temporary phase, it doesn’t make it any easier for their parents. The best thing you can do is protect your mental health to support your child’s emotions and experience more effectively. Find ways to manage your co-parenting anxiety, and don’t hesitate to seek support from a mental health professional in more intense cases.