7 Strategies for High Conflict Co-Parenting Conversations
Different approaches co-parents can take to manage high conflict conversations productively.
- 5 min read
- custody
- guest author
- health & wellness
Success in high conflict co-parenting conversations depends heavily on each parent's strategies. Considering the potential outcomes of these conversations, the relationships of the participants, and the possible risks and rewards, taking the time to create the best strategy for your situation can be a worthy investment. As an added benefit, focusing on your plan and mindset during conversations helps you avoid falling into any emotional traps your co-parent may try to set.
An excellent communication strategy doesn't just focus on one conversation; it prioritizes navigating a series of high conflict conversations over time. A well-planned approach allows you to achieve layers of goals sequentially by managing requests, demands, concessions, and reactions. Additionally, these practical strategies establish communication expectations, create some legal protections, and reduce the stress and discomfort involved in the relationship. Here are seven practical techniques to help you prepare for and manage high conflict co-parenting conversations.
1. Staying focused on outcomes
As previously discussed, setting and maintaining your focus is the most crucial step in many ways. We can't create our strategy until we know what we want to achieve today and in the future. Each communication strategy should also be based on what we want to avoid, who else may or will participate in the process with us, the timeframe necessary to achieve our goals, and any other elements that may impact the final decision.
Clearly defining the outcomes allows us to consider how we communicate and pace each interaction. Aligning ourselves with our outcomes also enables us to prepare to respond to perceived attacks or threats, keep our emotions in line, allow our co-parents to save face, and keep our conversations on track. At its core, prioritizing our preferred outcomes is the cornerstone of all successful strategies.
2. Choosing the most productive way to interact
Unless specific processes are dictated in your court-ordered parenting plan, how you communicate with your co-parent should be based on the goals you want to achieve and whether the current state of your shared parenting relationship is especially contentious or temporarily amicable. Your goals for the discussion and overall relationship with your co-parent should primarily drive the mode of contact. Communication in extremely high conflict situations may need to go through mediators or attorneys.
If you feel comfortable and safe with face-to-face communication, carefully consider where you meet, how you position yourself, and who else may be present. Depending on the topic and situation, each factor could make the conversation more peaceful or increase the level of conflict. If you're hesitant or unable to meet in person, calling or texting may be the best way to connect with your co-parent. In any situation, avoiding placing your children in high conflict co-parenting conversations is critical whenever possible.
In many cases, leveraging a shared parenting communication service can help improve interactions between co-parents by offering a neutral space that treats both parties equally. With TalkingParents, both co-parents can track conversations and follow up with each other more easily because all messages and calls are documented and cannot be edited or deleted. Additionally, keeping conversations within the service can help protect your children from the potential impact of witnessing conflict.
3. Avoiding unnecessary accusations
Questions that are or can be perceived as attacks are almost always met with resistance and counterattacks. As the situation escalates, it becomes increasingly complicated to achieve our goals. Taking a moment to intentionally phrase questions that avoid forcing your co-parent to feel inclined to defend themselves can significantly decrease the conflict you experience. At the same time, making a more considerate effort can increase the value of any information you gather.
Instead of asking potentially confrontational questions like:
- Will you be able to pick up Suzy?
- Did you remember to pay Sally's tuition this month?
- Why did you tell Johnny I said that?
- Why didn't you pay the doctor's bill?
Consider asking more neutral questions like:
- When will you have to leave work to pick up Suzy?
- Has the school already received Sally's tuition payment this month?
- How did telling Johnny what I said help him process the situation?
- What other bills need to be paid before the doctor's bill can get paid?
4. Allowing everyone in the conversation to save face
The key to getting anyone to say or do something they initially disagree with is to allow them to protect their ego. In high conflict relationships, co-parents often want their counterparts to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they primarily need their counterparts to maintain their commitments, especially those involving their children. Judgmental language can make you feel better in the moment, but it makes your co-parent feel worse and less likely to agree with you. Often, making a statement of understanding (whether you believe it or not) makes it much easier for your co-parent to tell you the truth.
For example, you need to know whether your co-parent can take your son to soccer practice. Instead of helpful information, you'll likely get backlash by asking, "Will you actually be able to take Johnny to soccer practice this week?" To increase your chances of getting helpful information, try combining your question with a statement that doesn't outright place the blame on them. A better option would be, "I know your work schedule is crazy, and you want to play golf every week. What are the chances your schedule can accommodate taking Johnny to soccer practice this week?".
5. Obtaining the truth in stages
Many co-parents add unnecessary stress to their conversations because they want their child's other parent to have a revelation and say, "You're right. I lied to you. I knew I was supposed to do that and still chose not to. I know this has negatively impacted our child, and I won't let this happen again." Hearing this response could make you feel validated, but this outcome is unlikely to happen under any circumstances and distracts from the actual outcome you need to achieve. It's hard to solve a problem that isn't on the table, so work to get your co-parent to admit to what they did or didn't do in steps, not all at once.
6. Withholding evidence until you need to share it
It can be very tempting to immediately confront your co-parent with any evidence you may have that proves they did something they shouldn't have. This confrontation typically forces people to respond by denying the evidence, explaining away the issue, or counterattacking to defend themselves. Each of these responses distracts you from the goal of the conversation and makes it significantly more challenging for your co-parent to take responsibility for their actions and maintain their commitments.
Additionally, presenting your proof too early can also show your co-parent precisely what you do and don't know. If they pick up on the information and context, they can anticipate where you're trying to take the conversation and find ways to complicate the situation. Preparing evidence for court or keeping it to yourself until the last minute allows you to fact-check your co-parent, determine if you can trust them, and maximize the impact of whatever information you have.
7. Using time to your advantage
A perceived lack of time can significantly increase stress and conflict, so a key component of many communication strategies is managing time to your advantage. Doing so often means creating enough time for multiple communications and additional support before a deadline. Generally, we want to make it easier for co-parents to do what we need them to, especially when it involves children.
Occasionally, you may need to take an opposite approach and provide less time to act. Going the other direction and restricting time may help eliminate opportunities for arguments, forgetfulness, or mistakes. Either way, the decision should be based on the outcome you want to achieve. Strategically managing your time can help you avoid parental burnout, anticipate and schedule around roadblocks, think more clearly, and increase your chances of successfully achieving your goals.
Every co-parent's priority needs to be the safety and security of their children and themselves. Once safety has been secured, executing a strategy prioritizes achieving the best outcomes over falling victim to your emotions, being right, or winning. With your future goals in mind, your strategic approach can lead you to long-term success and teach your children how to care of important issues.