What is Conflicted Co-Parenting?
How conflicted, cooperative, and parallel parenting impact parents with joint custody.
Co-parenting arrangements come from many different combinations of parents, family members, and other involved people, so every family dynamic is unique. No matter who’s involved in a parenting or supporting role, shared parenting boils down to the process of working together to raise children in multiple homes. While each situation varies, most shared parenting arrangements resemble one of three frameworks: cooperative, parallel, or conflicted co-parenting.
What is cooperative co-parenting?
Cooperative co-parenting is the ideal shared parenting situation, but it’s often challenging to achieve. Just like it sounds, this parenting model involves you, your co-parent, and other family members working together to support your children. By amicably working together and openly communicating, each person makes a positive contribution to the child’s best interests.
For example, if your child expresses concerns about their time with the other parent, you may communicate with your child effectively to explore their feelings and help them work through their emotions. Once that’s done, you may work with their co-parent afterward to see if anything can be done to help. When an issue arises, both parents discuss how they can be on the same page.
What constitutes parallel parenting?
Where cooperative co-parenting involves a high degree of collaboration between parents, parallel parenting requires little to no interaction. In these relationships, you and your co-parent work independently to promote your children’s well-being in whatever way you choose. While they work separately, they simultaneously respect and follow the rules and boundaries that exist between homes.
In this case, if your child comes home and expresses concern about time with the other parent, you likely focus solely on helping your child address and identify their emotions. Instead of bad-mouthing your co-parent to your child, you don’t focus on or talk about the other parent when helping your child. Additionally, you and your co-parent don’t attempt to work with each other to resolve the issue.
How does conflicted co-parenting work?
While most shared parenting arrangements have some level of tension, a conflicted or high conflict co-parenting relationship has a heightened degree of friction and minimal to no cooperation between parents. In these relationships, one or both parents utilize these situations to disparage the other parent or engage in parental alienation, often at the expense of the child’s best interests.
In this case, if a child leaves one household feeling upset with one parent, the other parent may be more likely to insult or blame them for the child’s emotional state and use the information to fuel their conflict. If high conflict conversations and false allegations occur frequently between co-parents, the child may witness the tension during custody exchanges or other cases where both parents are present.
Do these co-parenting styles overlap?
Most co-parents will recognize that these frameworks are not entirely unrelated. Families with joint custody typically function on a spectrum by mixing elements of cooperative and parallel parenting in various combinations. Protecting children from conflicted co-parenting is ideal but only sometimes achievable. As a result, many co-parents experience each of the three methods in different amounts.
One typical example of this can be differences in religious choices. Your child may attend one type of service with you and another with your co-parent. While you and your ex have different beliefs, you don’t attempt to convince or discredit each other. At the same time, you may maintain consistent bedtimes between homes. This kind of pattern makes your co-parenting both cooperative and parallel because you present shared ideas and allow each other to make unique decisions at home.
What are the signs of a high conflict co-parent?
The opposite of love isn’t hatred; it’s neutrality. The ability to keep things streamlined and business-like can be a beneficial step toward a healthy co-parenting dynamic. However, high conflict co-parents often move toward negative intimacy. These parents frequently struggle to separate their previously intimate relationship from their current co-parenting dynamic as they work together to raise their children. They usually have unhealthy co-parenting boundaries, may exhibit narcissistic tendencies, and focus on placing blame instead of working toward solutions.
How does high conflict co-parenting affect kids?
Generally, any type of co-parenting that avoids conflict is best. Evidence suggests that conflicted co-parenting is inherently destructive to children. Professionals tend to see long-lasting symptoms like chronic stress, insecurity, self-blame, helplessness, fear, and a sense of rejection or neglect in children who see their parents fight. As they grow up, children of high conflict co-parents often feel unhappy, experience mental illnesses, and struggle with relationships.
If you’re wondering which framework is preferred, it really depends on what best supports your child’s well-being. If parallel parenting helps you and your co-parent have a respectful relationship with minimal conflict, then that’s the right choice for you. As situations and connections change, you may find yourself in a more cooperative co-parenting relationship later. If you’re unable to work together, you may have a more conflicted situation that needs parallel parenting to succeed.
How can I move past co-parenting conflicts?
Conflict isn’t necessarily destructive on its own, and it’s a standard part of everyday life. Deciding which movie to watch on a Friday or what restaurant to go to are technically conflicts, even though they’re less significant. Whether you’re making a simple choice or navigating a challenging discussion, having healthy disagreements in front of your children can help them learn problem-solving skills and understand how some degree of conflict is normal.
Consider how you and your co-parent can heal from co-parenting conflicts by moving forward and focusing on raising your child. Do what you can to build a new, more professional co-parenting partnership that allows you to reduce conflict. If it’s not possible to create shared spaces or open lines of communication, working with a family law attorney or mediator can ease negotiations and conversations.
What are some high conflict co-parenting tips?
Ultimately, cooperative co-parenting takes two, and only you can control your actions or words. However, you can learn strategies and adopt mindsets to navigate conflicted conversations. Here are some helpful co-parenting tips to try:
- Take a deep breath and take time before you respond. If you’re responding to your co-parent in writing, draft it before sending it.
- Learn to disengage. Use the grey rock method or something similar to give yourself more power by controlling your reactions.
- Use “I feel” statements. Rephrase any statements that may come off as defensive or aggressive by stating your emotions first.
- Challenge your thoughts and assumptions. Ask yourself, “How do I know this to be true? How does this actually affect me?”
- Utilize tools from mental health professionals. Read books, take classes, try journaling, or explore other research done by experts.
- Use a co-parenting app. TalkingParents can help you have more organized, documented communication with your co-parent.
No matter what co-parenting framework matches your situation, it’s all worthwhile if your child’s best interests come first. With a better understanding of different high conflict approaches that can improve your dynamic, you have a better chance of having productive conversations with your co-parent.