High Conflict Co-Parenting Tips

10 tips to help make the most of high conflict co-parenting.

Posted on May 21, 2020

Updated on October 28, 2024

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or loved one. Co-parenting is a relationship that’s generally more prone to conflict than most, as it can tend to have more frequent or intense moments of disagreement. After a divorce or separation, it’s especially understandable for co-parents to feel like they’re working against each other.

While the occasional co-parenting dispute is typical, frequent high conflict situations can create heightened stress for parents and kids. Trying different approaches and strategies can help co-parents work through challenges and communicate to find a solution that will benefit their children. These 10 high conflict co-parenting tips offer actionable ways for parents to prioritize their children’s best interests and protect their own well-being.

1. Prioritize your children

Staying focused can be difficult when dealing with a high conflict co-parent, especially if your interactions could be more productive. No matter what, remember that your relationship with your ex is meant to create the best situation for your kids. One of the best ways to protect your children from tense interactions is to minimize arguing in front of them. If it’s unavoidable, support their emotional health as consistently as possible to ensure they have a secure parent-child attachment with you.

2. Set boundaries

High conflict co-parenting dynamics can be riddled with arguments that could use more respect and good intentions. Setting co-parenting boundaries can help you add more structure by treating your dynamic like a business partnership. Focusing on respectful, intentional communication and interactions with your ex can help you collaborate better to accomplish a shared goal. Additionally, healthy co-parenting boundaries can help you avoid negative emotions by setting more realistic expectations that respect your time.

3. Prepare your mindset

Many factors come into play in high conflict co-parenting situations, from custody schedules to school plans. No matter what issues are on the table, your priority should always be your kids’ best interests. Because conflicted conversations can be emotionally taxing, preparing your approach to navigate the discussion while focusing on your children is vital. If you expect a conflicted discussion with your ex, create a high conflict mindset and implement effective strategies that helps you organize and focus on your priorities and desired solutions.

4. Keep yourself grounded

High conflict conversations with your ex can often involve co-parenting triggers that upset you and derail the discussion. If your co-parent tries to instigate an argument while you’re trying to be productive, use different grounding techniques to regulate your emotions. Keeping your emotions in check can also be a helpful tool in finding ways to de-escalate a conflicted conversation, meaning you can better focus on how the outcomes can positively impact your kids.

5. Disengage

While you can deal with occasional conflict and still be okay, it’s impossible to manage long-term high conflict co-parenting and remain emotionally unaffected. Even though you may want to stand up for yourself against accusations or insults, occasionally disengaging from your ex is in the best interests of your mental health and well-being. While it doesn’t help you prove a point or defend yourself, using the grey rock method is an excellent way to reduce unnecessary interactions that could make the situation worse for you and your children.

6. Document everything

While tense moments can happen to any co-parent, high conflict dynamics occasionally cross the line. Your situation could involve more simple issues like parenting time failures or more severe problems like harassment and abuse. You can go through the courts to modify your parenting plan or file for a protective order, but you’ll need to bring relevant evidence for whatever motion you plan to file. Whether you stick to written exchanges or recorded calls, use methods that document your communications.

7. Work with a legal professional

Some high conflict cases may call for an adjustment to a parent’s physical or legal custody, especially if it involves problems that put you or your children in danger. However, requesting more drastic changes in your parenting plan can be challenging. In more severe situations, working with a local family law attorney or other legal professional can help you build a stronger case. If you’re concerned about the cost of working with a lawyer, you can take advantage of free and low-cost options based on income level or case type.

8. Protect your mental health

While everyday shared parenting can be stressful, high conflict co-parenting can take a significant toll on your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Finding a healthy way to manage your co-parenting anxiety or cope with your situation is crucial to protecting your mental health. Picking up journaling, meeting with a therapist or counselor, and using other outlets give you the space needed to express your concerns. Whatever you choose, find something that helps you process your emotions and support your children more effectively.

9. Focus on the future

Not all conflicts will end with a solution that makes everyone happy but focusing on the interests you share with your co-parent can help you work toward compromises. However, getting your ex to meet you in the middle can seem like an impossible task. If you need support in refocusing your co-parenting efforts on your kids, consider working with a mediator or arbitrator. With a neutral third party involved, you and your ex may have a more manageable time focusing on your children’s best interests and finding common ground.

10. Use a co-parenting app

Anything you can do to reduce conflict is worthwhile, but the challenge is coordinating these efforts while handling your day-to-day responsibilities as an individual and a parent. If you want more organized co-parenting, using an app like TalkingParents can help. With features that consolidate calls, calendars, shared expenses, and more into one platform, our all-in-one service helps streamline your co-parenting situation. Additionally, everything is documented in a court-admissible Unalterable Record that makes referencing past conversations and preparing evidence easier.

Being a parent is far from a walk in the park, and co-parenting with a high conflict ex can be even more complicated depending on your unique situation. Finding the best methods that work for you will likely take a good amount of trial and error. Even if it feels like you’re making little progress, any effort you make to improve your co-parenting dynamic is worthwhile in the end because it benefits your children’s well-being.