Parallel Parenting: How it Works
The ins and outs of the parallel parenting approach.
Parallel parenting is a strategy for divorced or separated parents who are unable to cooperate to raise their children in a healthy environment. The negative emotions from their relationship can prevent them from interacting without crossing into high conflict exchanges. Parallel parenting can also be used if there’s narcissism, a history of domestic violence or abuse, a protective order, or other safety concerns.
This type of parenting can be temporary or permanent, depending on the needs of the co-parents and children involved. For some families, it’s the best solution to allow the children to have stable, healthy relationships with both parents. Learn how parallel parenting works and what you can do to take the approach successfully.
How does parallel parenting work?
According to Psych Central, parallel parenting is a way for divorced or separated parents to share custody of their children if they can’t co-parent. Instead of working together, parents with joint custody make independent custodial or everyday decisions during their parenting time.
Everything is separate and streamlined because it’s treated like a business partnership instead of a co-parenting relationship. Communication between parents is strictly limited to emergencies or other pressing issues that impact their child’s well-being.
Parallel parenting does not involve joint attendance at holidays, special occasions, or school events where both parents would traditionally be present. In addition, neither parent gets to have a say on how the other parent handles responsibilities unless they put the children at risk.
How can I make parallel parenting work for me?
The best way to make parallel parenting work for you is to build a detailed parenting plan. Unlike plans that outline how parents will work together, a parallel parenting plan specifies the smallest aspects to minimize the need to communicate. Successful plans are straightforward and leave no room for interpretation.
For example, your plan can’t just list the basics of your custody schedule. Instead, you’ll want to include a fixed calendar of specific visitation dates with exact start and end times, predefined exchange locations, and the names of people who can be responsible for transporting your children.
It’s also essential to have contingency plans for handling situations such as missed visitations or other issues that lead to custodial interference. Other forward-thinking plans include whether or not the on-duty parent is responsible for attending their children’s events or appointments.
Is a parallel parenting plan permanent?
While parenting plans and custody agreements are approved and enforced by the courts, every plan will inevitably need to be revisited for review or modification. Parallel parenting can be treated as a temporary or permanent approach based on whether your interactions with your ex improve or have irreversible issues.
What are some helpful parallel parenting tips?
Minimizing direct interactions is key to a successful parallel parenting approach, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Whether you need outside support or resources to make your situation more manageable, these 4 tips can help you make the most of parallel parenting.
1. Settle disagreements with a mediator or arbitrator
Even if your parenting plan outlines a process for handling disagreements, there may be times when you and your ex can’t make a decision. To avoid standstills that impact your kids, consider working with a legal professional to reach an agreement. Mediators and arbitrators can serve as neutral third parties that help you take a child-centered approach.
2. Choose neutral custody exchange locations
If you’re choosing parallel parenting for your family’s safety, designate a public place or other neutral location to have safer custody exchanges. Swapping custody at your home or your ex’s house could create opportunities for conflict. Local police departments often provide spaces dedicated to exchanges and other meet-ups.
3. Lean on loved ones and professionals for support
Parallel parenting can be a helpful alternative to co-parenting, but it’s not stress-proof. One of the best ways to protect your kids from high conflict situations is to start making an effort to protect your mental health. Seek support from trusted family members or friends, and consider working with a mental health professional to keep yourself grounded.
4. Pick a communication method that reduces conflict
Communication is inevitable in emergencies, so choose a channel that you can depend on when you need to share time-sensitive information. For example, if you need to share a last-minute schedule change with your ex, a text or email reduces the risk of having a high conflict conversation or fighting in front of your kids.
Maximize parallel parenting with TalkingParents
Parallel parenting avoids most communication, but it still requires parents to share integral details for the benefit of their kids. When you want a more documented way to manage your situation while keeping it all separated from your everyday routine, TalkingParents is here to help.
Our features enable you and your ex to connect as needed without being face-to-face. Organizing messages, events, and files related to your children is easier than ever using our all-in-one service. Plus, you get added accountability with everything documented in your Unalterable Record.