When Should I Call vs. Text My Co-Parent?
Our guide to determining when calls or texts are better for co-parenting communication.
Many parents wish they didn't have to talk to their exes after a separation or divorce, but that's rarely true. Unless you and your co-parent have a no-contact or other protective order, you're expected to communicate with each other about anything related to your children. While amicable dynamics typically have minimal issues sharing details, dealing with a high-conflict or non-responsive ex can make every contact attempt significantly stressful.
Even if your co-parenting dynamic is relatively friendly, finding the right ways to contact your ex and exchange information can be challenging. While there's no cut-and-dry rulebook for what situations are better suited for text messages versus phone calls, you can follow some general guidelines when choosing the best option. Here are some tips for when to call or text your co-parent in different situations.
When should I call my co-parent?
Because phone calls are a more involved way to communicate, it's best to call your co-parent when something is urgent or needs a more personable conversation. Calls enable you and your ex to converse while hearing each other's emotions, which can be helpful in circumstances that could create tension if misinterpreted or left unresolved. On the same note, calls can seem intrusive or demanding without an apparent purpose. Here are four situations that may merit calls instead of texts.
1. If there's an emergency
In an urgent situation, there may be no time to wait for your ex to read and respond to a message. Whether it's a medical emergency or a last-minute update that needs quick action, you need the ability to relay details quickly and confirm they're acknowledged. By calling your co-parent, they can immediately receive the information they need to respond or act.
2. If it's a difficult conversation
Co-parenting requires serious discussions to make informed decisions for your children's well-being. Discussing issues impacting their health, school life, and relationships can be difficult, especially when reading responses can lead to different interpretations than listening. While texting your ex is a convenient way to plan your thoughts and reactions, calling them is a better way to ensure you hear each other's emotions and avoid misunderstandings.
3. If you can't send a text
While text messages are convenient, they're only sometimes conducive depending on the situation or circumstances. If you're driving, texting should be the last thing you do. Additionally, visual or physical conditions may make texting difficult or only possible with speech-to-text capabilities in quieter settings. Regardless of what factor prevents you from texting, calling is often a safer or more accessible option.
4. If it's in your custody agreement
Most parenting plans address how co-parents are expected to communicate with each other. In some cases, parents either choose or are ordered to conduct phone calls with each other, whether it's to keep in touch with the kids or communicate more efficiently. Refusing or failing to have court-ordered phone calls as outlined in your custody agreement can be considered a parenting time failure and be met with legal consequences.
When should I text my co-parent?
Where phone calls are a more involved communication option in more sensitive situations, text messages are a much less intrusive way to discuss things with your co-parent. Because they're written conversations that can be responded to at any time, you and your co-parent can better prepare your topics and responses through texting. However, iMessage updates and changes to other apps can make texts a less accountable way to communicate. Here are four instances where it may be better to text your co-parent.
1. If it can wait
Some co-parenting issues warrant more immediate discussions because they're time-sensitive, but most everyday conversations can wait. If the matter you need to discuss with your co-parent doesn't need a quick response, it's better to do so through text messages. Whether you need to know when your co-parent can discuss school-related plans or if they're willing to swap weekends, you can text and ask them to respond within a reasonable timeframe.
2. If it's a complicated question
Co-parents frequently face significant decisions related to their shared parenting situations. More often than not, the decision-making process requires substantial time, consideration, and collaboration between you and your ex. If you're getting ready to ask something your co-parent might need more time to consider, a text message can give them the space and time they need. Additionally, texting your ex gives you more time to consider how to respond once they reply.
3. If it's a quick conversation
While co-parenting involves making important decisions in your children's best interests, most of your day-to-day life involves quick, simple choices. Many instances don't require you to inform or check with your co-parent, but arrangements that require their involvement do. When you need to let your co-parent know about an update to plans, you can text them instead of calling them. If you have to make a minor change to your children's schedules or other plans, texting your ex to have that quick chat is a better way to communicate.
4. If it's a friendly reminder
Co-parents must balance managing their shared parenting situation and living their individual lives. In keeping so many plates spinning at once, you or your co-parent are likely bound to forget things on occasion. If you think your ex forgot something about an upcoming event, texting them a polite reminder may be helpful. While it's not required, doing so can help build trust in your co-parenting dynamic and provide a better experience for your kids.
How TalkingParents helps with calls and texts
Communicating with your co-parent should be simple on paper, but it's likely a balance of comfortable and challenging moments. From trying to reset unhealthy boundaries to combating harassment, many factors can leave you wishing for more accountability in your shared parenting situation. With TalkingParents, you can collaborate with your co-parent in a space dedicated to documented communication. Whether you talk through Accountable Calling or Secure Messaging, your calls and texts are stored in your Unalterable Record, giving you and your co-parent a complete view of all interactions with none of the guesswork.