How BIFF Communication Can Reduce Conflict

Using the BIFF method can simplify responding to high conflict messages.

• 6 min read
• custody
• health & wellness

Co-parenting conflict can be inevitable, especially when emotions are still running high or communication has been difficult since before your split. If your ex is a high conflict co-parent, sharing custody with them can seem like a never-ending vicious cycle. Whether you try to fight back or shut down, constant conflict with your co-parent can leave you feeling powerless.

While you can’t control how your co-parent behaves, you can control how you respond—and that alone can completely shift the tone, outcome, and stress level of your interactions. One communication approach that’s especially helpful for high conflict dynamics is the BIFF method. Keep reading to discover how BIFF works, why so many co-parents rely on it, and how you can start using it with your ex.

What is the BIFF method?

The BIFF Response® method is a written communication approach used to navigate conflict in a calmer and more productive way. BIFF was developed by Bill Eddy, a leading expert in conflict resolution and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute (HCI). At its core, BIFF creates a simplified structure for responses to help you disengage your emotions, avoid back-and-forth exchanges, and protect your peace of mind.

BIFF is an acronym for these four key principles:

• Brief: Keep your written responses short and to the point.
• Informative: Focus on sharing facts and relevant details.
• Friendly: Add a polite greeting and closing, nothing more.
• Firm: End the message calmly and ask yes-or-no questions if needed.

It’s important to remember that, while using BIFF can be helpful, it’s not a quick fix for broken communication with a high conflict person. Consistently sticking to the BIFF method could influence how someone engages with you, but it’s not guaranteed. At the very least, it helps improve combative interactions by prioritizing outcomes, eliminating potential triggers, and protecting your own well-being.

Why is the BIFF method useful for co-parents?

The BIFF method is applicable to any relationship, but it can be especially helpful if you’re in a conflicted co-parenting situation. Going through a divorce or separation and then transitioning to shared parenting can bring a lot of negative emotions. Anything that boosts your emotional regulation is a helpful solution, and using BIFF can help minimize the impact your ex’s messages have on your mental well-being.

Over time, using the BIFF method when communicating with your ex can help you:

• Minimize emotional escalation
• Keep communications child-focused
• Reduce back-and-forth arguments
• Helps you set healthy boundaries
• Create predictability and structure

How do I start using BIFF communication with my ex?

Switching from your usual approach to the BIFF method may be intimidating at first, especially if you’ve communicated with your ex the same way ever since your split. Still, taking the first step is vital to protecting your mental health and managing your co-parenting situation. Once you get in the rhythm of using BIFF with your ex, it will slowly but surely become second nature each time you need to respond.

Here are some helpful tips for getting started with the BIFF method:

• Take time before you respond: Instead of immediately reacting to whatever your ex sends you, take a few minutes to evaluate what they’re saying.
• Identify if there are action items: Review their message to see if anything that’s related to your child’s schedule or needs requires a response.
• Write and edit your reply: Craft a response that sticks to BIFF and read it over a few times to see what you can remove that may be unnecessary.
• Review it again before sending: Check your final draft for any additional edits you can make, and send it once you believe it fits the BIFF framework.
• Know when a response isn’t needed: If your ex sends false accusations or insults that are unrelated to your child or co-parenting situation, you don’t reply to them.

Are there mistakes to avoid with the BIFF approach?

Outside of sticking to the core principles of BIFF, the HCI recommends you leave out these three A’s in BIFF responses to your high conflict ex:

1. Admonishments: Calling out your ex for what they do wrong may seem satisfying, but it will only give them more reasons to double down and become even more hostile.
2. Advice: Telling your ex how you think they should act or feel instead of posing a yes-or-no question can cause them to react defensively and escalate conflict with you.
3. Apologies: While owning up to a mistake is the emotionally mature thing to do, apologizing about something to your ex can lead to them blaming you and defending themself.

Is BIFF always effective?

Using BIFF communication can be extremely helpful for your own sake, but there are circumstances where it may not be the best approach. Just like the grey rock and yellow rock methods, BIFF responses could lead to a severe negative response from your ex. If your co-parenting situation currently or previously involves harassment or domestic violence, using the BIFF method may not be the most effective option.

There’s only so much you can do on your own, so consider working with a legal or mental health professional for support. Alternative dispute resolution (ADR) may be helpful in cases where you need to make shared decisions about your child. If your ex communicates or acts in a way that endangers your family’s physical or emotional safety, consider working with a family law attorney to seek a protective order.

5 examples of using BIFF with your ex

Shared parenting conflicts can come from a wide variety of sources because so many different aspects are involved, from custody exchanges to schedule updates. Thankfully, BIFF communication can be applied to every area of your co-parenting situation. Here are five examples of high conflict messages and responses that follow the BIFF method to help you better understand how to use it.

1. Custody exchanges

Your ex’s message: “I’m so sick and tired of you always being late or acting like the schedule doesn’t apply to you. You kept me waiting for 10 minutes last week and didn’t even apologize. I need to know if you’re actually going to show up on time today or if I should plan for more of your excuses.”

Your BIFF response: “Thanks for checking in. I’ll be there at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow for pick-up as scheduled.”

2. Shared expenses

Your ex’s message: “I’m not paying for half of our child’s school field trip. You always sign up for things without asking me and expect me to cover the cost. If you wanted me involved, you’d stop being manipulative and making decisions on your own. Don’t send another request unless it’s actually valid.”

Your BIFF response: “The school made this a required field trip. My share was $30, so I’m requesting reimbursement for your half. Please let me know if you can send it by the end of the month. Thanks.”

3. False accusations

Your ex’s message: “You’re such a selfish parent. The kids always complain about you, and I honestly don’t know how they even tolerate being at your house. You’ve never cared about anyone but yourself.”

Your BIFF response: Since there are no actionable logistics or concerns to address, it would be best not to send a response to this message.

4. Schedule modifications

Your ex’s message: “Here you go again, trying to change the schedule because you don’t like it. You always do this at the last minute and expect me to rearrange my life. I’m not your babysitter, and I’m sick of being the only reliable parent. If you can’t stick to the plan, that’s your problem.”

Your BIFF response: “I understand the schedule is important. I’m requesting to switch next Saturday for Sunday due to a work conflict. Let me know by Thursday if you can swap those days.”

5. Confirmation request

Your ex’s message: “You never answer simple questions, and I’m tired of chasing you down. I asked you two days ago whether you actually read the school’s updated policy. If you ignore this again, I’ll assume you don’t care about staying informed about our child’s life.”

Your BIFF response: “I reviewed the updated school policy. Thanks for sending it.”

Document your BIFF communications with TalkingParents

Consistently using the BIFF method can be a powerful asset in your co-parenting journey. Still, co-parenting with a high conflict ex requires more than just consistent communication on your part—it’s essential to keep everything documented as well. While using the BIFF method takes effort on your part, you can effortlessly keep your situation organized and on record with TalkingParents.

Every interaction is logged in an Unalterable Record, and nothing can be edited or deleted. With your Records in hand, you can have more confidence when working with legal professionals and other resources designed to support your co-parenting journey. Combined with our parenting resources, you have the expert advice and tools needed to prioritize your child’s well-being while still protecting your own.