How Can I Deal with a Coercive Co-Parent?

5 ways for co-parents to protect themselves and their kids from a coercive ex.

Posted on September 5, 2025

Trying to co-parent with your high conflict ex is a challenging experience for both you and your kids. It can be especially exhausting if you feel like you’re at the mercy of your co-parent’s ever-changing choices and emotions. While some conflict can be expected, there’s a not-so-fine line between occasional tension and ongoing efforts that are intentionally malicious and abusive.

Coercive control, which involves patterns of controlling or manipulative behaviors, is unfortunately common in co-parenting dynamics. Thankfully, you can spot the signs and take action to reduce negative impacts and interactions. Learn how prioritizing boundaries, documentation, and mental health are critical parts of protecting yourself and your kids from a coercive co-parent.

What is coercive control?

PsychCentral defines coercive control as any pattern of behavior that someone uses to negatively affect a current or former partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. The ultimate goal is to take a person’s sense of ownership away over time. Using manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse, a coercive controller leverages fear to establish their complete influence on their victim.

Coercive or controlling behaviors can come in many forms, including:

Physical harm
Verbal attacks
Emotional abuse
Legal action
Mental harm
Financial abuse

Healthline shares these more specific examples as strong signs of coercive control in a relationship:

Isolating someone from their support system
Monitoring someone’s day-to-day activity
Denying someone freedom and autonomy
Gaslighting, manipulating, or lying to someone
Name-calling or frequently criticizing someone
Limiting someone’s access to financial resources
Reinforcing traditional gender roles to someone
Controlling someone’s health or body
Making jealous accusations about friends or family

Is coercive control a form of abuse?

While a coercive controller may not physically harm you, their actions are widely considered to be a form of abuse. It can be more difficult to identify because it’s not as visible or obvious to yourself or others, so it’s a common form of unreported domestic violence. It’s an incredibly harmful abuse tactic, and prolonged periods of coercive control often lead to higher odds of physical force.

What are some examples of coercive control in co-parenting?

Coercive control can be used against current and former partners, and it can especially strengthen as you transition to co-parenting with your abuser. It’s also possible for your ex to become a coercive controller after your separation or divorce. Whether you noticed the switch during or after your relationship, it’s important to recognize the signs of coercive control from your co-parent.

Hello Divorce lists these signs as potential indicators of your co-parent being a coercive controller before you separated:

Blaming you for everything
Using intimidation tactics
Creating drama with overreactions
Criticizing your parenting decisions
Guilt-tripping or gaslighting you
Pushing or crossing boundaries
Keeping score of who does what

Signs of your co-parent using coercive control through your co-parenting dynamic can include:

Making false allegations against you
Committing custodial interference
Making decisions without your input
Refusing or failing to pay child support
Threatening to take you to court
Badmouthing you repeatedly
Actively engaging in counter parenting

Can my kids be affected by coercive control?

If your ex is a coercive controller, they might fight in front of your kids or do and say other things that create stress and confusion. They may even gaslight or manipulate your kids in an effort to gain influence and power in indirect ways, which can contribute to parental alienation. Even if your children aren’t directly targeted, a toxic co-parent ultimately creates a situation that harms their mental health and well-being.

5 ways to combat your ex’s coercive control

Shared custody with a coercive controller is an emotionally draining situation that can make you feel helpless at times. While traditional co-parenting strategies may not work well in these dynamics, there are still steps you can take to protect yourself and your children. Here are 5 helpful pointers for reducing and addressing your ex’s coercive control.

1. Set and stick to clear boundaries

When conversations with your co-parent seem like they always get out of control, setting boundaries can help. You can’t control how your ex acts or speaks toward you, but you can decide when and how you engage with them. From only discussing co-parenting topics to never replying with insults, healthy boundaries can help you set limits for what you’re willing to handle and preserve your energy and peace.

2. Use the grey or yellow rock method

Coercive control feeds off of emotions, so being emotionless during interactions with your ex can help reduce or prevent escalations. The grey rock and yellow rock methods can help minimize emotional interactions, both in person and online. By using one of these methods, you can steer relevant conversations in the right direction without feeding into your ex’s efforts to manipulate you.

3. Document instances of abuse

Keeping a record of your ex’s controlling behavior over time is essential for your own understanding. It’s especially vital for any future legal efforts you make to protect yourself and your children if it escalates to physical abuse. Using an app like TalkingParents ensures your interactions are all documented, so it’s easier to gather evidence when preparing for court or filing for a protective order.

4. Protect your family’s mental health

Coercive control can take a severe toll on everyone’s emotional well-being, so it’s vital to protect your kids from high conflict and manipulation. Find ways to support their mental health, from teaching them stress-management techniques to validating their feelings. Don’t forget that you can’t pour from an empty cup either, so take time to protect your mental health to ensure you can better support yourself and your kids.

5. Seek professional resources and support

Dealing with coercive control is a significant challenge, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. Seek guidance from a mediator, therapist, parenting coordinator, or another family law or mental health professional to learn how to best manage your situation. If your ex’s coercion becomes a clear pattern of harassment or abuse, work with a family law attorney in your area to consider your legal options.

If you need immediate help, here are some resources that can assist you:

Call 1-800-799-7233, text “START” to 88788, or click here to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline
Click here to find shelters, programs, and other resources in your area listed by DomesticShelters.org
Contact your local police department to report an incident
Call 911 if you are in immediate danger

Keep co-parenting on the record with TalkingParents

If you’re co-parenting with a coercive ex, keeping your situation documented and separated from your day-to-day life is essential for your family’s well-being. TalkingParents streamlines co-parenting by automatically creating an Unalterable Record of messages, calls, payments, and other interactions within the service. Combined with expert advice in our parenting resources, you have the support network you need to prioritize your kids’ best interests while protecting yourself.